There have been pivotal moments in my life, moments of grace, that have given me a glimpse of my path. It is through patience, perseverance and lots of practice, that I have been able to stay true to this journey.
My earliest memory of anything 'spiritual' was as a school kid at a family vacation in Dharamshala. One morning outside, watching low hanging clouds and sipping tea, I could hear chanting from the Monastery. What I felt was a profound sense of peace and a feeling that I didn't need to be anywhere, or be anyone else. This was enough!
I had secretly battled depression for as long as I could remember. An extrovert by nature, I inherited the expectation to be 'happy', 'funny' and 'pleasing' to the world around me. These were all survival responses that I had conditioned myself into so as to feel accepted and avoid my own pain. On the other extreme, I would become numb, shut down and withdraw.
The initial shift began around the age of 35. On the morning of April 1, 2011, as I lay awake in bed, I felt like a fool. I had been lying to myself all my life. I still wasn't aware of why I was depressed, or that I had survival responses or that I was not living my true potential. But something did not feel complete. I longed for the feeling of 'being enough' that I had experienced in Dharamshala.
Journeying Home
through moments of grace
The awareness that I had gone too far put me on the path of journeying home
Since then I did many things to 'find myself'. I went to therapy, took teacher training courses, changed several jobs, stopped communicating with loved ones, visited spiritual sites and finally moved to an ashram in 2016. All these steps were important and proved exponential to the growth process.
During my time at the ashram, The Amrit Yoga Institute, I started to study more about Yoga and Yoga Nidra. Because we lived in a community, I met lots of folks on a similar path. All sorts of triggers began to surface. In addition to the formal training, the greatest lesson I learned was "the only way out, is through". Often, we think Yoga is all about peace. It is. It is about being at peace with yourself just as you are, as you evolve. Coming to accept my triggers allowed me space to move through the emotions and energy surrounding them. I had done everything so far to avoid triggering situations. Now, slowly and mindfully, I allowed myself to explore my edge.
During practices of yoga and yoga nidra, there are many opportunities to explore being with 'your edge' safely on the mat. As one learns to connect with the breath and withdraw from the mind, one can lean into a posture and be comfortable with something that could have otherwise been inaccessible. The same lessons can be taken off the mat.
Yoga begins with being despondent...
In 2019 I moved back to India. Although I was moving into a home that was the minefield of all my triggers, there was a knowing that my journey would be incomplete without this leg. Again I was reminded, "the only way out, is through".
2020 proved to be extremely challenging for many reasons. On one hand, we went into lockdown by March and having just moved back, I was feeling disconnected. I had no friends, no contacts and no idea of what to do with my life. In addition, all my childhood triggers of feeling abandoned, rejected, feeling invisible, less than, and unworthy started to surface. I started feeling bouts of anxiety and came to the verge of a nervous breakdown. I felt extremely frustrated that having spent so much effort and energy in trying to overcome my trauma, I was still feeling quite incapacitated at times.
Feeling helpless and purposeless, I start shifting my attention back to my practice. Practice without attachment or expectations was the key here. It served as an anchor during this emotionally turbulent time. I realized the importance of discipline, something I did not take seriously at the ashram. Having a daily routine provided the grounding and focus required to not stay trapped into feelings of unworthiness. I started reading more and also reengaged with my old therapist and a new pranayama teacher to both ground and move the energy.
Conditioning to consciousness...
By now I had been working diligently to overcome my triggers. But the biggest struggle I faced was that as much as I was working behind the scenes, I would then venture back out into situations that kept reminding me of my triggers. So in that moment, it felt like reliving the abuse.
Finally, one day I woke up with a question; who AM I?
I lay for hours in bed wondering and every answer came back to this. What I know about myself is what I've heard from everyone around me. My earliest and only memory of my own knowing was from childhood where I felt free and fearless. Everything after that was a version of all the influences around me. This is where the helplessness was coming from.
While I was spending all this time and energy in healing, without a true knowing of myself, I was repeating the habits of getting stuck in conditioned responses every time I interacted with anyone outside of my practice. Therein lay the answer.
Pratyahar can be used as a practice to withdraw from habits or situations that keep us in conditioned responses
It finally dawned on me that my true purpose in life was moving towards consciousness; to realize my full potential, to live my dharma, to just be. And to do that I had to move away from my conditioning.
To get to know myself I knew I had to start withdrawing slowly. I needed to withdraw consciously and mindfully from certain relationships, food, habits, ways of interacting without cutting off relationships and anything else that reminded me anything that I wasn't. But first, I had to become aware of survival and conditioned responses that were so ingrained overtime that they were almost hard to recognize.
Harder than the decision to practice pratyahar was the courage to follow through. When one has lived their conditioned life for so long, it becomes your identity for you and others'.
Every trigger I faced, now provided the opportunity to clear an impression holding me back. Instead of pushing it aside I started leaning into the energy of the trigger and allowing it to fuel the fire to clear the impression. Simultaneously, I continued withdrawing from interactions that felt familiar but untrue to my knowing.